Becoming A Mother {Part I}

(NOTE: This post is about my personal journey into becoming a mother. I know many of my clients, friends and readers have had a totally different experience and struggled to conceive. We each have our own stories. They are all valid and it’s important we share and support each other in our differences.If your journey is one of struggle or loss, I see you. I love you and hold you close to my heart. You are enough and your story matters. So much of conception and motherhood is hidden // unspoken // shame-filled in order to keep us SILENT and disconnected. It’s my goal to share my journey openly, in hopes it gives you courage to also share yours).

This, my love, is where it ALL BEGAN. And the story of the journey of getting to where I am now {Part I of II on “Becoming A Mother”}.

It was June 9, 2014. Regan and I operated our business – Macks Mo – out of our garage studio. In those days, we often worked out together and it was a time where I felt so aligned with my body for many reasons (I’ll name a few):

• I had a morning & evening routine that created clarity, calm and headspace.
• I had learned the value of varied workout paces; meaning: I learned that “going hard” all the time was not the most effective way to train – especially as a woman – so I switched things up based on how I felt that DAY (wondering what I’m talking about? Be sure to read this post, this post, this post and this one too. And a bonus one for mommas, here).
• I was eating intuitively and slowly, setting my fork down between bites and filling my body only with food that made me feel good (which had a lot to do with quality, savoring and eating when I was hungry).

At the time, hopping on the treadmill for a warmup run was routine. “Back then”, my normal running speed was a 9, easy breezy. This day though (6.9.14), I stepped on the treadmill at that pace and immediately became winded. I could hardly run 1 minute before I had to step off. It felt like I had lead in my feet. And I burst into tears.

Not because I couldn’t run “per usual”, but because I knew I was pregnant. And they weren’t tears of joy. They were tears of overwhelm, fear and disbelief. I was totally not ready and unprepared. My business was exploding, I was right where I wanted to be – physically, professionally and in all areas of my life. If you asked us at the time, Regan and I were telling friends that kids were part of the plan in “maybe 2 years”. I was 29 and I was pregnant with Will – now my greatest surprise, gift and teacher. Then, my biggest shock. Regan was quite surprised by my tears and when asked what was wrong, I gave an exacerbated, “I’m pregnant.” He didn’t believe me, but a pregnancy test the next morning confirmed that we were now parents-to-be. Just like that, my life changed in an instant…

Back track to the previous November (2013), I had my Mirena IUD taken out because it was the last thing in my life that felt “unnatural” or out of alignment with my current lifestyle. I began seeing an acupuncturist and tracking my cycle via basal body temperature (for the first time in my life). I didn’t want to get pregnant, but I did want to learn more about my body and get more in touch with that which made me uniquely feminine. My sessions with Elisa – my acupuncturist – also called me to dig deeper into my soul, my relationship to my body // my work // my stress, my purpose and she was the first person who “connected all the dots” – my first holistic “therapist” – where I could bring my whole self, talk about everything and be energetically opened, realigned & energized. Her work was life-changing for me, truly.

Side note: It’s at this time, that I also learned, from Elisa, that periods are innately designed to be pain-free and that any “symptoms” (read PMS) we have throughout our cycle, but especially from ovulation to menstruation are signals that something isn’t working for our body in our lifestyle, food or exercise. Read more about that here. I didn’t believe her at first either, if you’re rolling your eyes, he he. This set me on a path that, along with becoming a mother, would change the path of my business over the next 5 years. 

So here I was (back to 2014), pregnant. A new mother, responsible for growing & birthing a new life. None of our close friends were having kids. I knew *nothing* about pregnancy or birth at the time, but (not) coincidentally, I had been recently having discussions around birth with my then client & friend Jen, who had just began midwifery school at Bastyr. I myself had just completed my health coaching certification at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, so we’d spend hours talking about the similarities between the birth & wellness industry and how far society has moved away from the original and simple states of these two worlds (birth & healthy living // nutrition).

It was from these conversations that I was inspired to pursue a home birth, using a midwife. My Dad being a doctor and my mom a nurse, this was quite the unconventional approach. But driven by the strong trust I’d cultivated with my body, and the belief that birth was natural & needed no intervention (barring a pregnancy with no complications), I knew in my bones that a home birth was right for me (if you’re interested in one, the documentary The Business of Being Born is a great place to start). And to be honest, the idea of laboring naked in my own home and going to bed in my own bed, next to my husband sounded pretty rad. 🙂 So we interviewed a few midwives here in Seattle and landed with Seattle Home Maternity Service in Columbia City. (Note: I believe ALL mothers should be celebrated + empowered for whatever choice feels best to them – unmedicated, medicated, vaginal or c-section – while also being given truths about what each type of birth entails postpartum, for mom & baby).

Although I don’t have the alternative experience of working with an OB in a hospital setting, one of my favorite things about using midwives was although I had no idea “what to expect”, they put my unease for the unknown to rest by how casual and “normal” they made being pregnant and having a baby feel. They were encouraging, loving and EMPOWERING. They pushed me towards trusting my intuition deeper BECAUSE of how natural they made it all seem (which, by the way it IS normal and natural to be pregnant and have uncomplicated pregnancies & deliveries – and that’s what we should *expect*, while also helping mothers prepare for emergencies and the unexpected).

And yet, I had never seen a real birth in my life. In fact, I hadn’t really dealt with newborns or been around lots of babies either. I didn’t have close mom friends who’d gone before me and I had no idea what to expect. So I started “preparing” where I start most things – in my body. Somehow I knew birth was going to require a type of physical and mental surrender that I wasn’t good at (hello headstrong, controlling Aries over here!), so as soon as I got pregnant, I wrote some affirmations that I began reciting daily in my morning and evening routines.

Desperate for a sense of control in a time where I felt like I had none, these affirmations helped ground me into my body and made me feel that if I could believe it, I could also “do it”: 
– I could be a mom, even a good one – regardless of not wanting to be one, initially, at the time.
– I could feel connected to my baby and have a meaningful relationship in utero.
– I could learn to want to be a mom, and look forward to the changes it would bring.
– Even though I hadn’t done it before, I could birth a baby naturally, with ease.
– I could still have my big business dreams (and accomplish them) while being a mom.

Along with my own affirmations, I stumbled across hypnobirthing – a self-hypnosis and relaxation practice used to help women experience labor & birth with EASE and SURRENDER versus fear & anxiety. One main concept behind the method is that it keeps the mother out of the “fear-tension-pain cycle” that can make a woman’s labor &/or birth experience more difficult, painful and even possibly longer – no thank you! Hypnobirthing calls contractions “surges” and operates from the premise that if you drop into a self-hypnotic state, you work with your body to RELEASE & OPEN – a requirement of getting the baby out! – thus decreasing or eliminating pain.

I heard real life users of the practice describe “pain-free labors” and the experience of “breathing the baby down” versus pushing and struggling. Sounds pretty great, right? I thought so too, so enrolled in a 6-week course with Regan at Seattle Hypnobirthing with Tracy Adams. Along with the course, you are given 2 tracks to listen to: Rainbow Relaxation (which takes you through relaxing the entire body) and Affirmations For An Easy & Comfortable Birth. Since my baby was due Feb. 14, we had to sign up for a course in November as post-new year options finished after my due date. I am so grateful that it turned out this way because I listened to those tracks EVERY DAY for 3 months before Will came. And by the end of listening to them, I had gotten proficient at dropping into relaxation quickly and I firmly believed that I could have my baby with ease, at home. Using this technique helped me develop a confident connection to my baby, strengthened my trust with my body, and allowed me to lean into my intuition around becoming a mother.

There is, of course, so (SO!) much I wish I would’ve known, (that’s for another post soon re: birth & postpartum transparency), but overall, by the time Will’s due date came around, I felt “READY” (insert hand to forehead emoji here) to embark on this new journey. I had, after all, done “all the things” (what I thought were the *right* things) to prepare myself… 

• I had done acupuncture weekly throughout my pregnancy to aid in relaxation and preparing my mind & body for labor and birth. And per the advice of my acupuncturist, I used the 9 months to slowly let go of things in my life so that there was “room” for my baby.
• I had shifted my workouts from mostly HIIT with heavier lifting to moderate strength training and lighter endurance-based training (zero impact) that focused on slowing down, breathing and moving intentionally. My training goal was to support my changing body, not push or over-exert, taking energy away from my body’s hard work of making a baby. I also took some prenatal yoga classes (at this time, I was definitely NOT a “yogi”) which I LOVED. And I highly recommend taking these, if available, because (and especially for me – a new mom without mom friends), surrounding yourself with women going through the same things as you feels SO GOOD.
• In addition to hypnobirthing, I hired a doula and took a one-on-one birthing course to get a better handle on birth itself. My birth educator happened to also be a women’s health physical therapist, which gave me some insight into healing properly postpartum as well.

And along with all this, my pregnancy had been SMOOTH and EASY. No pain, no trouble sleeping, no negative symptoms to speak of (like heartburn, acid reflux, morning sickness, etc.). So I figured – “I’ve got this and everything is going according to plan.” Not to mention that so many people had told me, “You’re so fit, you’re going to have an easy birth, no problem!” Not knowing any better, I thought to myself, “Well sure, that makes sense – it IS a physical endurance event, right?” (insert *another* head to forehead emoji here).

So on February 14 – Will’s due date, I was ready. But February 14 came and went. And so did the 15th, the 16th, the 17th and so on. A few days past my due date, I did a non-stress test at my midwives to make sure that Will’s heartbeat was still good and that he was moving around enough (all good there!). And despite the reassurance of my midwives that “it was normal to be late with your first baby”, I began to wonder if Will would ever come.

I had another non-stress test somewhere around a week past my due date and by 10 days overdue, I started to explore the possibility that I might not be able to have Will at home – which was a devastating prospect for me. I had an ultrasound around the same time to check my amniotic fluid (it was also good) and Will was happy as a clam in there.

By Friday, Feb. 27 – the day before I was 2 weeks overdue (aka 42 weeks), I had another midwife appointment where they attempted (a second) membrane sweep in hopes to gently induce labor. My cervix was nowhere to be felt and my midwife told me that as such, it was highly probable that I was also 0% effaced (when your cervix softens, shortens & thins as an early stage of labor). My heart sank and I fought back tears. If Will didn’t come the next day (Sat the 28th), I would have to transfer care to a hospital. Traci – one of my midwives, recommended that Regan & I try the Rebozo Method (a gentle shifting of the pelvis using a sheet that can help baby shift into position for labor, flip a baby or provide pain relief during labor) or see try seeing a chiropractor because it was possible my baby wasn’t in a position in my pelvis that was initiating labor. She also gave me a vile of medical grade verbena oil for use in making myself a Midwive’s Brew on Saturday morning, in the event that my labor didn’t start overnight. 

To be honest, I so firmly believed in my home birth, I didn’t even entertain the idea that I’d have to have my baby in a hospital. But upon the recommendation of my midwife, I started working on a backup plan at 13 days overdue. Through a friend, I found a high risk OB (you’re considered high risk once you go past 42 weeks) in Everret, WA – a good hour drive from my West Seattle home (one way) without any traffic – that was willing to let me avoid being induced up to 43 weeks, but I would also have to get a non-stress test every day at said hospital. This raised my spirits a bit, for I was at least still hopeful for a natural birth. I also reached out to my acupuncturist for a chiropractor recommendation and it just so happened that he lived in West Seattle! I called Dr. Stefan Black immediately and he was able to schedule me in for that Friday afternoon.

I had never been to a chiropractor before, and despite the apprehension of trusting my body to an unknown manual therapy, I was desperate to exhaust all means necessary to try to get this baby out before Sunday. After some big cracks, I left Dr. Black’s office with an appointment for the next morning as a follow up, should it be needed. Once home, Regan and I did the Rebozo method a few times – and all other wive’s tails to induce labor – then I went to bed early in hopes I’d soon be wakened with labor pangs. 

With no such luck, I woke to my alarm at 7am on Saturday morning. I had planned to take half the Midwive’s Brew  – a mix of the verbena oil, apricot juice, peanut butter and castor oil blended into a “shake” before my 8am appointment with Stefan (my midwife recommended doing half, then the other half 2 hours later). Another series of cracks later & still no sign of labor, I rushed home to drink the other half of the shake at 9am on the dot. You guys – I literally LICKED the blender clean. I was determined to waste not a single drop of this precious potion. Then, I waited. I listened to my hypnobirthing tracks a few times and was feeling ansy. It’s so wild to have no control over the single most significant moment of your life – when it will happen, how it will happen or even where it will happen to a degree – and just be WAITING. I remember getting up to go to the bathroom & feeling a “click” in the front of my pelvis as I sat down (but I thought nothing of it at the time). Then I moved my “waiting station” to a big exercise ball and started down hip circles.

As I was doing the hip circles, on our carpeted living room floor, a little after 10am on Saturday, February 28, two weeks exactly past my due date, my water broke. A huge gush of liquid went everywhere. I recall shouting to Regan with excitement, then going to change while he came & cleaned up.

My labor began and my baby was coming. 

{stay tuned for Part II dropping later this week}.